Gunjal

Har bhasha me kuch aise shabd hote hain jo shayad kisi aur bhasha me samjhaye nahi jaa sakte. Unka apna hi ek ehsaas hota hai. 

Aaj aisa hi ek shabd yaad aa gaya. 

Gunjal

In taaron ke gunjal me wo sab chupa hua hai jise hum man hi man dhoond rahe hain.

Aur maano wo roshni humare mann ki gehraiyon ki kahani bata rahi ho. 

Jiski sabse zaada talaash ho, wohi yaad dila rahi ho. 

Wo raaz jo us gunjal me chupe hue hain, aur hum use suljhane ki koshish me lage hue hain. 

Mujhe to yeh gunjal bas tere baalon ki yaad dila raha hai.

Thoughts

I wonder, after I write,

if it matters, or should I just rub it all away.

Is it me just overthinking,

yet being calm, composed and indifferent.

Those big words that people use,

the ones I never get a hang of.

Emotions, expressions, adjustments.

Am I a poet, or a poem?

Or just a joke, in this world of jesters.

I wonder, everytime after I bleed,

Was it worth it? 

Pancakes

You know love is the weirdest thing in life. People say we should go for it. Then they say we should not go for it. Then they say that it happens on its own. And still they go out in the world to search for it.

They search it, miss it, find it, flip it. Play with it and what not. Just never get to master it. After all love can never be mastered. It can only be possessed. And felt. And loved back.

What happens is that when there are a lot of happy couples around you, you start to feel lonely. Then you do mistakes. And you mistake feelings. Think of them as one thing, instead of something else. And then you realize your mistake. And think of yourself as a fool. A stupid fool. You try to rectify the mistake, and try not to be a fool again. But we are all forgetting one thing. Love is all about being a fool. It is all about being that stupid person doing those stupid things for that special someone. It is all about the rose petals and saying to yourself – He loves me? He loves me not? Or She loves me? She loves me not? And waiting anxiously for that one glimpse of the person.

Then you propose. And either you get a yes or a no. Which are the definitive. Either you will cry afterwards thinking that nothing happened. Or you will get to enjoy the beautiful company of that special someone. Be happy and smiling always, walking hand in hand. Those long drives. Kiss and make up. But ultimately cry again for something or the other. Lol… Unless you have a happily ever after tag on you, u fell into a circle of life which seems never ending at that point.

Then there is another response which is of the worst kind. The maybe. It’s like asking

"Are the pancakes ready?"

"Maybe"

"So when can we eat it"

"I don’t know. I’ll have to check."

Helloooo you are the one making the pancakes. Not me. Tell me if you can make them or not. Else I’ll just out and have some hot dogs from Subway. I am hungry dude.

Still, in this situation, I can go out and try the hot dogs till the pan cake gets ready. And later if I am still hungry, or not satisfied with the service, have the pancakes (provided the cook is interested to share them :P )

Also there is a possibility that the pancakes may not be there when I come back. I might just miss them all. So it’s a risk that we have to take. To eat or not to eat. To wait or not to wait. ;)

The thing is… I manage all that very well. Easily to say the least. But then there is this new category which I do not understand. The "No. the pancakes are not for you. You go to Subway of McDonald or wherever you want to and stay away from my pancakes” expression. It is like a no. A definite no. But still not leaving. Still lingering on.

How are you? Where are you? Are you fine? Take care of yourself. Eat something. Don’t overstress.... Helloooo I already have a mother… phlease...

Still there are others like – You didn’t meet me sweetheart, When are we meeting next? Come back fast, etc, etc.

People, if you do not want to give me the pancakes, at least don’t ask me if I want them or not. Don’t ask me if I am hungry or not. Of course I am hungry. And I want the pancakes. And u would say no to it. So why the hell pretend? Why care so much? Why think so much? Leave me to what I am. Or give me the pancakes.

And better decide.

Abhay Vats

Will I ever know myself??

Let me see life as it comes
Let me see life as it goes
I follow its path, making my own
Just as leaf in a river flows

I struggle, in an angry ocean
Trying to learn swimming
In that heat of the moment
Making my own decisions, never once whimming

I play cricket, the ball is soccer
Using the bat for a home run
And with the money I bet on others and myself,
I know how to have fun

The driving is steady, in the rashness of the moment
The volume is high on the speakers
You see, even I don't know where
But in some deep corner of my heart, there is a secret keeper

Will I ever know myself??
Is something even I don't know
Because the way I live my life
Is just an irrational flow


The beauty in my eyes is something I don't see
What happened to that nose, eyes or lips
Don't think too much
As they are definitely not better than a woman's hips

Will I ever find myself,
I have to see
Because I may be a bit of a something in this world,
But there is still that I am yet to be

How should I end this para, or story or an ode
I ask like a nincompoop
I don't know what I have written and why
But the words don't even stand like a troop

I can't even search my mind, my heart, my soul
They are lost somewhere inside me
Searching for them is such a pain in the ass
But I don't want to let it be

I will have to find a solution, sooner of later
Cause conflicts may arise sometime in future
This me not knowing myself is an issue
For which I need to find a tutor

Abhay

This girl I met, a long time back

This girl I met, a long time back

Sweet, cute and talkative,

Girly? Maybe, maybe not

But she could definitely make you addictive

I spoke to her, once or twice,

in a while, or sometimes after a while

we got intimate, but never intimate

that’s how we lived, that was our common style

Then one day she said, she liked me a bit

A bit I did too

I told her that, but took it no further

The way we were before, that same way we continued

Then it so happened, that I chanced upon a friend of hers, or the friend chanced upon me

And my sweetheart had no calms of our talking

Then one day when this friend seem interested in me

My dear-dear one said her friend was stalking

So I told her what I felt, to my dearest, that is

those three lovely words

and she said the same. Ah, that wonderful feeling

I felt my love cross herds

But the same next day, I realized my mistake

as she was not to be mine

because she was afraid of a relationship

a long distance one that time

I asked her, told her, and even begged her

to forget the fear. I'll take care of her

but she refused, saying no

that was the situation in which we were

So I said nothing, friendship being my forte

And continued our talks the way they were

What happened later is I told her my heart for a change (again)

And I didn't want her now, that's what I told her

Cause I understood my behavior, and didn't want to be childish again

And she liked it when I said we need to grow up

And know each other more before going ahead

And share some night's coffee mug

And I realized she didn't know me

much or at all

Cause it is her who used to speak the most

And I was mum as a doll

Sweet, she used to say to me, a sexy friend too

but not someone she felt close with

but now when we talked

I was someone she never wanted to get rid

I was her friend, support, and guide

I am and will

but what I feel is still inside me

because I haven't said most or any of my thing

However I stay with her, for her

Cause I know if I leave her, she may not take it well

or is it something only I think?

That's a topic I have to dwell

I told her once, I have moved on. And don't test me on that

She said she won't, she knew me enough that I won't come back

does that mean she needs me?

Or is it still my heart's old track?

I'll have to see what I do, wait for her or follow through

Cause my heart says to wait, and to move on

I finally have to decide for myself

What to do and who to take advice from

Anyways, I think I'll continue it this way, for some time at least

And see what things lead me to

Or I will follow the path of pain, and see what's the gain

I hope, at least someday, I am going to get through

What to say...

What to say. I am not possessive. That’s not me at all. I am not jealous. I don’t feel that way. It’s just that I felt bad. I don’t mind when she talks to someone else.

I just felt bad. I like to talk. Sometimes at night. Sometimes during day. But why is it that at night she is always sleepy?

She says that she is like this. That as soon as she goes back to her room, she wants to sleep.

Really?

Because many a times, going by her words I have not disturbed her. But going to her neighbor’s room, another friend, I realize that she is either on phone or someone is there sitting with her and talking.

Still I don’t mind all this. They are all small issues. These things are possible. I know that and understand that. There can always be an important call, or an important discussion.

But then I can't understand it the way she reasons. We used to talk when we shared the room. Talk for a good amount of time. Ok... when we felt like sleeping, we slept, not disturbing each other, but we have been awake for long hours as well.

I don’t know. I might be talking nonsense as well. And yes she even said that. Not once but quiet a few times when I had wanted to talk to her after work.

“Important baat hai to theek hai, warna mujhe neend aa rahi hai.”

I understand her (to a good extent, I believe) But why can’t she???

I don’t know anything serious on my fingertips. I take my time. I need to talk, to listen, and then maybe speak my heart.

I DON’T KNOW WHATS IN THERE. IN MY HEART. I need help to find that out. And I need trusted people to help me do that.

But she is busy – working, talking, sleeping, or something else that I may have missed.

Why do I go after her. People might think of various reasons. But its mainly because I want to find myself. Discover myself. Which unfortunately, I cannot do on my own. But I guess I go too much after her. Bug her too much. You know what, if I like somebody, or maybe even love somebody, I give that person full space.

Leave them alone. Never be possessive. Never be jealous. But always keep a watch from the corner of your eye.

That’s what I thought I did here as well.

But now I doubt myself. Possessiveness is not for me. Jealousy is not for me.

And if I am doing that, I am getting away from her.

To speak, or not to speak

There is so much to be said, then there is so much not to be said. What is to be said is less than what is not to be said. Though there is no fear in saying the unsaid, its just the way I want it to be.

You see, if u say something, people listen,

they think, analyze, comment.

Some like, some don’t. But your words have a depth, that makes them think, think again…

But when u say lots of thing, people listen,

they think, analyze, comment.

Some like, some don’t. But your words may not be taken for its value. The depth goes away…

Nobody thinks again…

But then I am afraid as well… maybe…. To speak myself out… show my feelings… confess them… I stop halfway, unsure… should I go further? Or should I stop? Is it safe? I don’t want any special thing… or maybe I want… I just go with the flow… whatever happens, happens… let it happen… it will happen…

Am I weird? am I wrong? Is it bad to not let out? To be a little safe? Secure? In my own thoughts… my own world… a world within a world… where only I exist, and those I let inside… but never outside…

I guess I need to change… or is it?