What to say...

What to say. I am not possessive. That’s not me at all. I am not jealous. I don’t feel that way. It’s just that I felt bad. I don’t mind when she talks to someone else.

I just felt bad. I like to talk. Sometimes at night. Sometimes during day. But why is it that at night she is always sleepy?

She says that she is like this. That as soon as she goes back to her room, she wants to sleep.

Really?

Because many a times, going by her words I have not disturbed her. But going to her neighbor’s room, another friend, I realize that she is either on phone or someone is there sitting with her and talking.

Still I don’t mind all this. They are all small issues. These things are possible. I know that and understand that. There can always be an important call, or an important discussion.

But then I can't understand it the way she reasons. We used to talk when we shared the room. Talk for a good amount of time. Ok... when we felt like sleeping, we slept, not disturbing each other, but we have been awake for long hours as well.

I don’t know. I might be talking nonsense as well. And yes she even said that. Not once but quiet a few times when I had wanted to talk to her after work.

“Important baat hai to theek hai, warna mujhe neend aa rahi hai.”

I understand her (to a good extent, I believe) But why can’t she???

I don’t know anything serious on my fingertips. I take my time. I need to talk, to listen, and then maybe speak my heart.

I DON’T KNOW WHATS IN THERE. IN MY HEART. I need help to find that out. And I need trusted people to help me do that.

But she is busy – working, talking, sleeping, or something else that I may have missed.

Why do I go after her. People might think of various reasons. But its mainly because I want to find myself. Discover myself. Which unfortunately, I cannot do on my own. But I guess I go too much after her. Bug her too much. You know what, if I like somebody, or maybe even love somebody, I give that person full space.

Leave them alone. Never be possessive. Never be jealous. But always keep a watch from the corner of your eye.

That’s what I thought I did here as well.

But now I doubt myself. Possessiveness is not for me. Jealousy is not for me.

And if I am doing that, I am getting away from her.

To speak, or not to speak

There is so much to be said, then there is so much not to be said. What is to be said is less than what is not to be said. Though there is no fear in saying the unsaid, its just the way I want it to be.

You see, if u say something, people listen,

they think, analyze, comment.

Some like, some don’t. But your words have a depth, that makes them think, think again…

But when u say lots of thing, people listen,

they think, analyze, comment.

Some like, some don’t. But your words may not be taken for its value. The depth goes away…

Nobody thinks again…

But then I am afraid as well… maybe…. To speak myself out… show my feelings… confess them… I stop halfway, unsure… should I go further? Or should I stop? Is it safe? I don’t want any special thing… or maybe I want… I just go with the flow… whatever happens, happens… let it happen… it will happen…

Am I weird? am I wrong? Is it bad to not let out? To be a little safe? Secure? In my own thoughts… my own world… a world within a world… where only I exist, and those I let inside… but never outside…

I guess I need to change… or is it?

Trust

Something you do since you arrive on this planet. Mother Earth.

I trust him, I don’t trust her. I trust you. I don’t trust you. Trust can be seen in anything and everything. The biggest trust is the one you put in yourself.

The other day I was walking on the road. I saw a very young boy – aged 3 maybe, walking on the road, holding his father’s finger. This simple act of holding the finger, knowing that wherever he may be going, he is safe, is one of the simplest act of trust in this big world of complications.

Wherever you are. Whatever you do. You trust. Say you are walking on a lonely road. And you start feeling jittery. The first thing that come to your mind is God. You know that God is there for you and that nothing will happen to you as He is there. That’s trust. Your trust. My trust. Everyone’s trust. Its an unknown trust. But it is there. And you can feel it.

We don’t think about it. Rather we just do it. We just trust. And that is how we progress. We move ahead in life. We know that there is somebody out there to back us. To help us get up when we fall. And so we don’t worry and move ahead.

But then why is it so that we are losing this trust. Why is it so that we have started looking at people with an eye of suspicion. All out friends, our families, everyone around us. Even ourself. See, that is where we go down. The suspicion gets us to make appropriate moves – or atleast we think we do. But are they appropriate. Or are they inappropriate. Whatever it is, in the process we just loose it all. Our friends, family, the happiness in life that we had. Everything. And maybe – maybe – we also loose our own self.

It is rightly said – its lonely at the top.

Yes it is. And the fact is, you don’t trust people. Suspecting everyone for everything. That’s when you remember, that’s when you realize. Trust is one of the most important thing in life.

So when you go out, meet people; whatever you do, wherever you are, just trust. Try it. You will surely feel good.

Abhay